Big

Always thought that I had Big as my halfway house no matter what the circumstances are. However, I have finally come to the realization that things may have changed. It's funny to think for the last six years, I would give everything and anything up for him, but now, the table has turned. I still would be there for him in a split second when he does need me; however, it would just be an emotional support. Big has been nothing but amazing to me in the last year, despite me shutting him down, bailing out on him, and standing him up. I'd get mad and upset at him for doing stuff that we would normally do and just leave him because I was pissed. None of that had stopped him from staying close with me though this year. Through all the thick and thin, all the crap that we've been through, he has been there for me and I for him. Perhaps that's why Michael Buble's song "Hold On" is on repeat on iTunes for me. It reminds me of Big and I. Of all the things that keeps happening, he is always there to hold me , to comfort me, and to cheer me up. When I need words of encouragement and support, he's given it all to me. Except no matter how hard I try, it's not the same anymore. I feel safe with him and I just want him to hold me tight, but nothing more. Everytime I have fallen, he has been there to pick me up, and this time it's no different; however, it's not working. I still miss the one I shouldnt. Of all the shit I've gone through with Big, never have I once hope or wish that I had not met him. But right now, I wish I hadn't met "What's His Face" as I can no longer run to Big and hide in his arms to feel better. I want the pain that Im feeling from moron to go away, I want to be able to go back to Big and let him make everything all right. Never in a million years would anyone of my friends feel that Big is the good guy. Big told me that he thought that I was amazing and believe that I'm a strong and beautiful woman who will be ahead of everyone else in life once I get past this rough stage. Also told me that no matter what happens, he will always be there to cheer me up or to give me a shoulder to lean on. Big will always have a place in my heart, a big big place. Somehow he manages to give me strength and make me believe I can do anything. He was the one that help me break out of my shell and have a big role in helping me transform to the person that I am today. Just wish I can have my Halfway House (=Big) back to the way it used to be. A middle place for me to rest, to recharge, and to repair as I move on to the next step. Now I'm on my own, needing to find another way to stop the pain, stop the heartache, and stop the hurt. So I pray to my dearest angels, show me a way, show me the light, and give me hope once again. Promise me that everything will be all right.