Like a Star

It's been a couple of days since I've updated. Lots had happened. Where to begin...

Had a minor surgery yesterday so been recovering since then. And no, it's not one of those scary ones, I just got my wisdom teeth pulled out. It's still hurting quite a bit seeing that it was growing sideways, which made it extremely hard to perform on. At least I got to keep my teeth! THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY CAVITIES!!! In the process of cleaning them right now, they're in the last stage of bleaching. I have lots of drugs sitting on my table waiting for me to take them consistently. Nothing too heavy duty since I'm actually feeling ok. Super tired though, but it can be a combination of many things.

Lots of stuff has been on my mind. Mainly about the ending of this year. I'm not exactly sure where I'm heading yet and many people have been telling me not to worry. I don't think I'm too worried, but just wondering what I have to offer to the world or whether I'll actually even make it. As much as I would love to live at home, I think I want to move out to somewhere smaller and have a place where it's really a space that belongs to me. A place where there isn't any crap. I kind of have my heart set on leaving Vancouver for a bit. To have a change of scene and gain some new perspective. A sad thing is, I know the biggest reason for me to leave is because of Big. I need to get away from him, away from places I've seen and been with him, away from anything that remotely reminds me of him. Even though he's no longer a part of my life, somehow he still has the ability to drive me insane. The more I resist to think about him, the harder it becomes. Even when I just 'let it go' it seems to somehow come back to me... whether it be him or just memory in some form. Lately, I've been looking and searching for the lesson that has been taught with him. What I've learned through the past years with him. It has become a big step to try to embrace and understand that it is ok to feel this way. The big internal fight about my feelings toward him has subsided a lot. However, I still have my very bad days and I just miss him so much. The more I thought about it, the more I realize that I should just buy that fucking ticket and go see that other person who actually cares and has been there for me through all the ups and downs. Someone who has been my friend but loves me unconditionally regardless of what our relationship status is like. It seems retarded that men rule so much of our lives, but I'm ready to meet that next potential 'one.' Maybe W. won't be it, but I think I'm ready to take my chances, even if that chance is hundreds of miles away. I miss being taken care of and miss being pampered by. I think that's my real justification. I want to feel the love again... but instead of it being one way, it's time to feel that two way love. Perhaps not only romantic, but with the potential of it being romantic. Maybe I'm just running away from Vancouver because I don't want to think about him anymore, or maybe I've finally moved on. Who knows... I'm still pondering about that.

However, it's getting late, I shall update more later on. Reading break coming up, so I hope I will have lots of time to update.